Well, not many fighter sisters around now, but I could never forget Michelle or Phoebe.
Thank you, Donna for being my eMom. Your presence has been comforting during tough times, and keeping you in my thoughts has kept me from risking my life more than I already have.
Some of my best fighter friends aren't around anymore. I think about you and miss you all the time.
We're now a small group of dedicated gearheads. I couldn't be more proud to be one of you. I don't even tell people I do anesthesia, I tell them I build bikes. It consumes my thoughts and dreams.
Thanks much to all my fighter brothers for sharing their thoughts and lives with me. You guys have helped me discover something within myself that has brought much happiness. These years have been good ones.
For most people in my situation, the cancer comes back in around 5 years. For me, not much over 5 months. I have to start taking drugs next week that are going to fuck me up. Pretty sure chemo or radiation are about 2 months away. Can't say what's going to happen with me or the bikes. Should have prepared better, but was trying to get the bikes finished. That's what I love to do. Time could be very short now, and no way can I get everything done.
I sure would like to see finished bikes, and I have plenty of motivation to live. Problem is, I'm not riding this bike called cancer, I'm just the passenger.
Have hardly slept for almost a month. If I fall asleep, my temp goes sky high and I wake up. Have to jump out of bed fast so it doesn't get soaking wet. Then I stand in front of a big fan until I cool and dry off. Can happen 20 times per night. About every 15 min.
Just about at the end of my rope.
Had to start taking some benzos. Still can't sleep, but keeps me from snapping.
Not sure if things will get better, for a while, or keep getting worse.
Just stay in bed and save up my energy to ride to RAD tx every day.
Not sure, yet. Not supposed to kill all the cancer cells, but hopefully will buy me some more (good) time. Also depends if I have to stay on these meds. Don't know how much I can come back from the meds, or how long it would take for the side effects to wear off.
Probably have to wait for a while to get an accurate PSA. Might get one Monday, just to see where it's at.
The thing is, it grew back fast after the surgery, so even if my levels are low, could still come back fast. Kaiser doesn't have the best testing, either. Not trying to be negative, just realistic.
Better not waste any time.
No RAD Saturday or Sunday, so will try to DW on bikes.
Sounds like a plan for a great Christmas, Smoker. Hope it is a good one!
I get to spend it with my in-laws, not a person in the house will be interested in anything I am.
To be fair, I give fuck all about most of their interests.
Truth is, I'm too fucked up to go. Bad news is I need another surgery ASAP. Will probably be mid-January, not sure. Problem caused by the last surgery.
Pretty sure most people die from the cancer treatments, not the actual cancer.
Will have to lose my money for the airline tickets. Very risky to travel home and be far from a hospital.
Whatever. Gotta deal with the good, and the bad. I'll have some beer and weed, and be happy I'm still alive and have bike projects to occupy my mind.
Not too sick to jump on a bike and twist the throttle a bit. That's always good medicine....
It pains me in a way I don't think I could ever accurately explain to someone who is not part been part of this group when I hear things like this. I hate reading stuff like this, your in my thoughts smoker.
I want to apologize to you guys for not participating in the Secret Santa gift exchange.
I'm very sad that I didn't take part, but was too preoccupied with this medical shit.
Wasn't even sure I'd still be around.
If I'm still around next xmas, I'm going to make up for it.
When I had my last surgery, I was insufflated with CO2 for several hours. Gave me an inguinal hernia. Didn't have it before, and didn't know until after the surgery. 1 year later, can't go on - needs surgical repair. Bad news- it needs to be open, not laparoscopic- so, big incision coming.
Worst part for me is I have committments. With important people. I don't want Ed, Jeff, Sebastian, Mason, Rick, etc., waiting on me. I'm lucky to be working with them, and don't want to fuck things up.
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